Humane or Inhumane?

Recently, I had to "put down" another fur baby, my Cinna.  I originally adopted Cinna after having to put down my "Del."  I lost both to cancer in a about a 2 year span.  Just when my heart was beginning to mend from Del, it broke again with the passing of Cinna.  I miss them both terribly.

Since the subject of euthanasia has been on my mind frequently the past two years, I've found myself contemplating the ethical, humanistic, religious, and emotional viewpoints that often accompany the subject.  In particular, phrases of condolence such as: "[the animal] is so thankful to you for ending his/her pain" and "it's the humane way to die" and "don't let them suffer; you can ease their pain" run over and over again in my head while in the throws of grief.

I, personally, believe in the validity of all those phrases of support and compassion, but I also know that some of those offering those phrases don't necessarily believe their own spoken convictions when it comes to care of the terminally ill in their own species.  I'm talking about Assisted Suicide, Human Euthanasia, and "The Right to Die," which is illegal in most states.  How come I have never received a "don't help them pass over" or "let them suffer as long as long as possible" or "the humane thing to do is to let them die slowly and suffer through the inevitable" when dealing with my sick pups?

I'm not here to point fingers or attempt to change one's preference or personal beliefs on the subject matter , but I would like to open conversation for the reasoning behind a person's different set of standards for the acceptance of euthanasia for animals but the non-acceptance of euthanasia for human beings.  And, to be perfectly clear, I'm strictly speaking of the acceptance of euthanasia in the context of terminal disease and suffering, NOT elective suicide provoked by Depression, other emotional health disorders, or "undesirable" birth defects or disorders.

In Love and Remembrance of Del... 

...and Cinna

Misrepresented?

Orange is the New Black....who's watching it?  Supposedly, if you're not watching it, you're missing out.  I took it for a test drive a few weeks ago, but I didn't find myself going back to it after episode 3.  At the time, I wasn't sure why I stopped watching it, but I had a moment of true honesty with myself a few days ago which revealed that answer to me: sex...sex obsessed...lesbian sex, in particular...lots of nasty, raunchy lesbian sex and vulgar sexual innuendo.

I've never thought of myself as a homophobic.  In fact, I'm very supportive of my homosexual friends and their rights.  So, why was I so bothered by all the lesbian activity in Orange?

Sure, homosexual sex is always going to make me a little uncomfortable to view since I'm not homosexual, but I'm usually pretty good about separating myself and "norms" when assessing situations outside my comfort zone.  I was bothered by my apparent feelings of homophobia coming through!  Then it hit me.  I didn't have a problem with the general homosexuality present in the show; I had a problem with the sex only and how homosexual sex was being represented...dirty, raunchy, disrespectful, and calloused.  I started recalling other shows involving homosexuality and sex, and I found this "raunchy homosexual sex" trend to be pretty prevalent.  Sure, I know there a shows/movies out there representing a more respectful and sensual portrayal of homosexual sex, but I feel like those shows are in the minority.  I actually felt a sense of relief upon assessing my comfort level while watching homosexual movies like Piper Perabo's Imagine Me and You and the infamous Brokeback Mountain.  The love, respect, and sensuality were more apparent in these shows which resulted in me having a more comfortable experience as a hetero-viewer, but I haven't found this to be the norm for LGBT media.

Maybe my assessment is inaccurate as my LGBT media experience is most definitely not on the "experienced" side of the spectrum.  Or, maybe I'm just a sexual prude, and I simply have an issue with rough, animalistic sex in general whether it be gay or straight.

So, my question is this: Do homosexual people feel cheated or misrepresented by media's portrayal of homosexual sex?  Do you think people view homosexuals as being sex-obsessed because of media?  Do you feel like the sex represented is accurate or false and exaggerated?  If you feel like it's a false representation, do you feel like the media's representation of homosexuality plays a big part in stunting homosexuality's acceptance in a heterosexual world?  I'd love to hear some of your opinions!

For the record, I restarted watching Orange and am enjoying it.  The character development is brilliant!

Dress Pants

(Disclaimer:  I'm making generalizations, here.  Not everyone is a twat.  Get your back down!)

I feel sorry for men.  There!  Yes, I said it; I have a legit sympathy for you dudes.

Women always talk about their low-self esteems due to the ferociously competitive and judgmental playing field set-up by their peers and media.  "Must be pretty - must be skinny - must be a sex goddess - must be pretty - must be skinny - must be a sex goddess."  It's an exhausting game I, personally, do not choose to play, but there's no denying those assumptions and judgments ARE THERE, and they can bring an unmanageable amount of stress, anxiety, and depression among us.  But, we're not alone in this cruel world...

I have recently become aware of a different set of prejudices that the female community does not experience nearly as heavily as the male community, and that would be "the 'appeared' success" game.  I'll explain the "appeared" part later.  As I've grown up, I'll admit I've ashamedly played a role as an assessor in this game primarily due to social convention.  It wasn't until the last few years that I was made truly aware of the unfair judgments and subjective assessments I, as well as many others, were making upon individuals in the male community.  Since working on my spiritual self and attempting to achieve honest personal happiness, I can not deny the apologies I owe to those who have received my silent prejudices.

As men age and mature, they are heavily pressured about and assessed upon their nature of work and success level.  Period.  And, it's not just women who are judging men; it's men judging other men that's probably the worst!  I think women initially started their judgment due to fear and practicality: "We need money to survive.  How would we support ourselves?  I'll have to depend on his salary because I'll never make as much he will."  That's how it started, at least.  Then, those judgments made the swing from necessity to materialism.  Men, on the other hand, are judgmental in this area due to power and pride.  Men feel manly knowing they're the breadwinner of the family, or that they have their own office to reference, or that they're "businessy" and powerful.  They feel they've earned the right to look down on non-business world men.  The older I get, the more I see it, and the more it sickens me.  I'm so tired of the rat race.  I'm so tired of the false assumptions.  I'm so tired of unrealistic "standards."  I'm so tired of the unfair character judgments made simply due to a man's work apparel.

I stress man-to-man judgment because women do not feel the extent of this kind of pressure like men do.  We just need to be cute and stay in our little place-holder jobs, like teaching, secretarial work, bookkeeping, reception, etc.  Hell, it's easy to play the women's rat race if you wish.  Just slop on pounds of make-up and wear trendy clothes.  In regard to the men, it's not easy to go out and find a $100K/year job on a whim.  It's basically like telling a man: "You will never get married or be able to afford children, be judged as a credible man, and will always be looked upon as lazy...unless you find a job where you wear dress pants (so at least that way you can start lying about your salary)."

I've summed up the business world rat race as so:

• I can guarantee you that simply because you are forced to wear dress pants at work, it DOES NOT mean you are automatically a) successful, b) powerful, c)smart/educated, or most importantly d) rich. 
• Tradesmen make a great, financially stable living.  Period.  We will need plumbers, auto mechanics, electricians, etc. 'til the end of time.  They make way more money than many of us dress pant wearing workers.  WTF?!
• Wait, you mean to tell me that my college degree and dress pants don't automatically put me in high earner's tax bracket?  Again...WTF?!
• Double wait...I can not drive an old car because I wear dress pants to work???  Oh shit, someone might notice I make less than a waiter/ress!  How will I pay for this thing?  Oh, don't worry about that; you wear dress pants to work.  Just fake it.
• "You shouldn't marry a non-business world worker...you wear dress pants to work, duh!  You're above that....even though he works harder and longer than you do and makes just as much or more money than I do.  But, who cares about that...where are his dress pants?!"   I can personally attest to working loads harder as an $8/hr plant nursery worker than I ever have in a job post college. 
• "So, you're the breadwinner of the family, right?  Because you wear dress pants at your job, right?"  Ha!  Ugh, no.
• "Poor thing...her husband's a dead beat.  He has one of those jobs where he works on the weekends and doesn't wear dress pants.  It's a shame..."  

Yuck, yuck, yuck!  How terrible are we as a society to be making these unjustified low-blows and assumptions about people?!  Why is it perfectly ok for a woman to be a teacher, but when a man is a teacher making a teacher's salary we snub our noses at them?  How is it that an HVAC technician making $45K/year is not considered as satisfactory as, say, an assistant attorney making $45K/year?

And, outside the facts of who actually makes more money despite their work attire and environment, the real point is we should have no concern with someone else's financial business or pass blind judgments on such shallow circumstances.  It's the ugliest thing we can do as loving human beings.  I'm trying hard to catch myself doing this and putting a stop to it.

Fu@% the dress pants.  I'm wearing Chacos to work today just to put a kink in the system ;-)

Blog Challenge: Day 12

What are you most looking forward to in the next six months?

1. My 30th birthday!  Aug. 10!  I love birthdays...but, I still have no plans.  Hmmmm?
2. My sister and co. are coming to visit late September!  I don't get to see them enough, and I hope my nephew still remembers who I am.
3. My beau has some exciting changes and possibilities on his plate right now, and I'm super pumped for him and how these changes will play a part in his life and our relationship the next months to come.
4. I love Fall...all the holidays...the change of climate...leaves falling...festivals...those first real cold fronts...after work bike rides...
5. Pleasurably drinking beer with the beau at Phoenix again ;-)
6. My girl, O, finishes school out in silly Florida come early December!  I don't know if her future career will bring her back to SA/ATX area, but I selfishly hope it does.
7. I'm hoping to make a trip out to California in the near future to see my dear friend, E's, new home in Long Beach!  I don't get out of TX much unless it's on route to Colorado, so this is a big deal for me.
8. Hank is coming into the world!  I can't wait to see HMK as a mama ;-)
9. Finding out if I will be an aunt to another little girl or boy!
10. And I'm most looking forward to all the cool people I have yet to met, new places I have yet to greet, things I have yet to learn, and experiences I have yet to embrace.

Blog Challenge: Day 11

What's the one thing you would never change about yourself?

I can find an honest connection in almost every person I meet. And, it's a genuine connection.  It doesn't necessarily mean we're soul mates, or destined lovers, or future BFF.  It simply means we're human, and deep down, we're the same, vulnerable, caring human being.  I can "get" what you're going through...despite your job, race, sexual orientation, religious preference, age, etc.  And, if it's a situation I haven't experienced, I can put myself in a hypothetical situation and try to understand in a totally non-judgmental way what you're going through.  I think people feel I provide an emotional safe haven for them, which I hope is true.  That connection I find with people causes them to feel comfortable and honest.  People can "unload" on me and share their dark fears and illogical thoughts.  I feel truly fortunate to be trusted to bear their emotional weight because I completely understand what it's like to be suffocated by your own baggage.

Even when I'm trying to be a badass and say I don't, I do truly care..to a degree of fault, even.  I care about the comfort level of that unknown person left out at the party as much as I care about my best friend's battle with severe depression.  I want those people to know they're never alone.  I know I will continue to connect with people the rest of my life, and my friendships are so rich as a result.

Blog Challenge: Day 9

Describe the best day of your life to date

These kind of topics always make me gag a bit.  Look, I'm not married nor have I birthed a child; therefore, I have no single monumental "best" day of my life.  I've had MANY awesome moments and days, but "best" is a hard order to fill!  And, to choose just one day out of my whole life?!  Ain't gonna happen.

Next!

Blog Challenge: Day 8

Describe "the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly" of yourself.

I'm listing my "good" as the last one on purpose...

2.  The Bad:  I'm a bossy know-it-all.  It seems like I've talked about this so often lately, but it's the truth.  The reason I'm a know-it-all is because I'm a natural researcher, prideful, and completely obsessive compulsive.  As soon as I come across something on which I'm naive or ignorant, I'm researching it as fast as I can.  I love learning...my Leo personality has just taken it to the next level of annoyance.

On the positive side, I think I've humbled through the years to where I'm able to somewhat subdue this annoying "back seat driver" trait of mine.  You see, I am my folks' spawn...and they're know-it-alls, too, so, it comes naturally to me.  You should see us all in the kitchen together!  It's a beautiful, chaotic, egotistical mess!  No lie!  We're not faux know-it-alls, either! <--- I'm pretty sure that was me justifying my "bad" as a "good."  See?!  Prideful, prideful, prideful....tisk, tisk, tisk.  I swear, I'm working on it.

3.  The Ugly:  I am a coward fueled by low self-esteem.  Yep, you heard me right.  Only my closest friends probably know about this side of me as I appear to have a very high self-esteem.  That's how it works, though.  Sure, I'm very confident in a few areas, but I'm also very fragile in many others.  One small, quick phrase with no ill intentions meant can be read falsely by me causing me to be shattered and shut down.  Some of the routine self-critical thoughts that go through my head are:

• I'm not worthy of being occupationally successful because it's known I'm a flake.
• I'll never be able to hold down a man because I'm not conventionally feminine or sexy enough; it's just a matter of time before they leave me seeking out those attributes in another woman.
• I shouldn't aspire to change career paths because I'd never be able to commit to it.
• I can't be a mother because I'll automatically turn into a neurotic, control-freak bitch both my husband and kids will hate.
• So-and-so didn't text/call me back, or said that to me, because they hate me.  Why did I ever think they be interested in hanging out with me?
• I can't trust any of my impulses because they must be fueled by my history with Pure-O OCD.
• I could never make a big out-of-state move because everyone knows I'll just come crawling back with my tail between my legs.
• I'll never be pretty enough, smart enough, adult enough, fun enough, cool enough, sexy enough, and so on.  Whatever the situation yields...

As a result, I often feel inadequate, stunted, trapped, and not taken seriously, which causes me to shut down and be a coward.  I absolutely know these bogus feelings and reactions are false, which leads me to...  

1.  The Good:  I'm very honest with myself and self-reflective which helps conceal and control "the bad" and "the ugly."  I know I can be annoying and overbearing as a know-it-all, and I know all these crazy negative thoughts running through my head are unjustified and self-induced.  I'm constantly working on subduing my instinctual reaction to fly in and take over a situation as a know-it-all would.  I'm working on being a better conversationalist so that I listen as much as I contribute.  I'm working on accepting someone's differing approach to a situation as not being inadequate to my approach since I think I know "the best" approach.  I know all those bulleted statements above are a bunch of shit and should not define my life.  I'm working on accepting MY life and whatever it may entail as opposed to the "expected" life I'm supposed to live.  I'm getting better at knowing when I'm assessing a reaction or situation through the lenses of an unjustifiably scared, unconfident woman and kicking my own ass for doing so.  I'm learning to accept my female "conventional inadequacies" as a being a standard for some, but definitely not all.  I'm learning it's ok to go with my gut, now; it's probably not the OCD talking.  I'm learning to not give a shit what people think or expect of me.  I'm learning it's ok to be happy in the life I'm choosing to create.

You know, it's a process, but as long as we're open to putting our pride aside and being honest with ourselves through a little introspection, it's amazing the well-rounded, healthy human beings we can become.  

Blog Challenge: Day 7

Recommend a book for us to read.  Why do you think it's important?

The most mind-blowing and influential class I took in college was Philosophy of Religion.  It changed my life.  I had never thought about these heavy topics in such a dissected, educated, and rational way.  Most people would think a Philosophy of Religion course's purpose would be to debunk all religious theory, the notion of a god, blatantly support Atheism, and so on, but that was not the case.  This book/class actually helped bring me a lot of peace to all those troubling, and often contradictory, religious subjects and theories that are liberally tossed around so carelessly in both casual conversation and heavy debate.  Check out the Table of Contents I included...

I think everyone should read this book so they don't appear so damn ignorant when arguing these heavy religious topics...HAHAHA!

Blow your mind.  Find peace.  Educate yourself by researching both sides of the coin.  Question.  Put on your critical thinking hat.  Be humbled.  Challenge yourself.  Discover where you feel comfortable.

(I added my feet in there for dramatic effect) 

Blog Challenge: Day 6

What's something you've always wanted to do but have not?  

And, why?

1.  Move to Colorado or New Mexico.  Why not?  Well, I'm sure fear plays a major part in this.  That's a big move!  I also don't think I'm unhappy enough here to make the move out there.  I like my life, I like my town, I like my job, I like my friends, and I love being in close distance to my family where weekend trips are possible.  It's a lot to gamble for the exchange of beautiful scenery.  I guess I'm too lazy, too.  Moving is a lot of work!

2.  Start my own business.  Why not?  I'm scared!  I'm not a risk taker.  Honestly, I don't think anyone in my family is.  Just a big puss running around the "what if"s my whole life.

3.  Travel abroad.  Why not?  Money.  To this day, I still do not understand how so many of my peers have afforded to travel, and I have not.  Is everyone putting this stuff on credit cards, or what?!

4.  Get a breast reduction!!!!!!!!!!!!  HAHAHAHA!  No, but really....

Blog Challenge: Day 5

If you could have dinner with any five people, who would they be?

I really don't get into questions like this.  I'm not the kind of person who desires to meet celebrities or public figures, but here's my best shot.  Oh, surprise, they're almost all musicians.

1. Jeff Tweedy:  Simply put, I think he's a musical genius.  He's probably a cool ass dude, too. 
2. Ryan Adams: (leave Mandy at home):  Another musician I want to have babies with.  I mostly admire his lyrical talent.
3. Brad Pitt:  So I could witness the tangible definition of flawless physical beauty.  I have a feeling he's a cool dude, too.
4. Gillian Welch:  My main female musician inspiration.
5. Neil Young:  The best...

That was boring.  Next!

Blog Challenge: Day 4

I have some catching up to do!

4.  What's your favorite childhood memory?

I had this neighborhood friend, Jessica.  We were besties from as far back as I can remember.  In fact, the relationship is probably better coined as adolescent "mentor-mentee"...you know, because I was so wise at 8 years old.  Jessica grew up directly across the street from me; she was a few years younger than me.  She was my neighborhood partner-in-crime, wild child, get-her-to-do-anything, faux student of mine, BFF.  I told Jessica about Santa Clause not being real, the birds and the bees, and whatever else a little know-it-all like myself felt needed educating upon.

So, this one day, Jessica and I were sitting in her front lawn playing with our "sugar babies."  (FYI, sugar babies were a big deal growing up in Dallas at the time.  This site has some good pictures of what a sugar baby is.  Basically, they were hand-painted porcelain heads and hands with a bean-bag type body.  They were pretty realistic in look and feel.)  Being the know-it-all I've always been, I was "mentoring" my little student on the subject of breast feeding...what it was, how to do it, why you do it, and so on.  Jessica was way in to it, as I was blowing her mind at that moment.  Remember, during this lesson we were chillin' in some lawn chairs on her front lawn, and, naturally, an older couple on their evening walk approached us.  As any sweet woman would, she slows her pace and says to us, "Well, good evening, girls...what are you two up to?  Playing with your baby dolls?"  Low and behold, the naive Jessica screams across the street to the woman, "YEAH!  WE'RE BREAST-FEEDING OUR BABIES RIGHT NOW!"  Instantly, I realized I forgot to tell Jessica we should probably keep this little bit of new knowledge to ourselves for a few years!   Needless to say, both the older woman AND I were stunned by shock, and I was mortified.  Hahaha, I can't even remember what her reply was...

See?!?!?  I guess my obsession with reproductive science has been around since the beginning!  Good thing I couldn't get my hands on one of these dolls at the time!!!  Poor Jessica...

Blog Challenge: Day 3

3. Tell about an article of clothing you're deeply attached to....

There they are.  The transition from the first pair of infamous shorts onto the next, and current, pair...the grey ones.  Let me put it this way; I am obsessed with comfort.  No...no, really...I don't think you understand the extent of obsession I'm referring to, here.  Obsession, as in I have two identical pair (I should have more) so I always have a pair available to wear.  Obsession, as in I'm unbuttoning my pants as I walk into my house during my lunch break so I can wear "the shorts" for that measly 40 min. break.  Obsession, as in I dedicate one pair as the "sweat pair" and one as the "lounging pair" in between each wash cycle.  Yes, I will literally go walking/biking in the "sweat pair" and immediately change into the "lounging pair" upon my return and cool down.  Obsession, as in I will wear these shorts OUT in PUBLIC with a nice shirt to accompany them, and I think I'm dressed up.  Obsession, as in I panic thinking about just what exactly I will wear to cover my junk for the 2-3 hours I won't have access to my shorts while they're washing/drying!  Obsession, as in you can see how long and rough I wore my first pair of "favorite shorts."

EVERYONE knows about "the shorts."

Thank God for "yoga-top" anything...they're my go-to back-ups when the shorts are down. 

Blog Challenge: Day 2

2. Write a six word memoir

I'm not too excited about today's writing prompt.  First, I had to google just what exactly a memoir was as the "six word" part was throwing off my previous understanding of the literary term.  The google search did not help clarify the prompt, and only reaffirmed what I already knew, so I went back to the original 15 Day Challenge poster's bog to see an example of what she wrote for this prompt.  Here's what I found:

http://www.lifeofloveblog.com/2012/07/15-day-challenge-day-2.html

Apparently, I am to write a six word sum-up of my life as Hemmingway was once asked to do, so here goes:

"Beware: banana peels on diverged roads."

So far in my 30 years of life, this six word memoir is how I currently interpret life.  As I get older and stay unmarried, I see myself standing at the head of so many options.  As Frost said: two roads diverged in a wood, and I -- I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference.  *Side note: I love this poem and it's fluidity no matter how "over played" it is.

Here's my problem: I'm scared of slipping on all the banana peels left behind all these years no matter the road I take.  I feel haunted by social convention, my upbringing (not to say it was bad), expectations, my own fears, and external and internal pressures.  All these worries have peppered my paths in life like banana peels carelessly flung over a shoulder, and it exhausts me.  What if I slip on one, and it results in me making a wrong choice or a choice that's not truly mine?  Sometimes, I wish I would have married and had babies in my early twenties so my options would be somewhat confined within a reasonable margin, and I would have a partner to help in the decision making.

Aside from the random banana peels, I have this to obsess over: ...and that has made all the difference.  Seriously?!  All the difference?!  Uuuugggghhhh!  What if I make the wrong choice?  How will I ever decide knowing the great weight of my decision?!  Why did the damn road have to diverge?!?!?!

I need to seriously grow some balls...and schedule an appointment with my psychiatrist.  

Blog Challenge: Day 1

List 15 fun facts about yourself...

15 fun facts about myself?!  FUN facts?!  Oh hell, I don't know if I can stick to the fun part, but here are 15 random facts, fo sho...

1. I don't have a middle name.  This is always my go-to "interesting or fun fact" whenever I'm asked these question.  To this day, people still think I'm lying about this, but I'm not!  My mom did not give me or my sister middle names.  You see, she goes by "Hollye", but her legal first name is "Robin."  It causes her grief when dealing with records, contracts, legalities, etc., so she said to hell with middle names!  Who really needs one, anyway?  She also figured we would both move our maiden names to our open middle name spot when/if we get married.  I do, however, have an adopted faux middle name given to me by my paternal grandmother.  It's "Elizabeth."
2. My birthmark is on my butt-crack.  Well, at least the last time I checked a few years ago it was.  This caused much confusion and chapped ass as a baby.
3. I am a chronic fingernail biter...CHRONIC!  I've bitten my fingernails for as long as I can remember, and I've successfully grown them out about three times.  My success rate is not high.  I hate it and love it at the same time.  It's grossly unattractive.
   
   
   
   
   
   4.  I've been told I have a pretty thick Southern drawl.  This surprises many people when they first meet me in person.  Ha!  I blame it on my Brownwood, TX roots and being raised in the Dallas area during my early formative years.
   5.  I rarely paint my toe nails becaaaauuuuuse....I believe it "suffocates" the nail resulting in a possible toe nail  fungus, and you do NOT want nail fungus.  That shit is hard to beat!  No, thank you!  I'm slightly phobic about it.  When I do paint my toe nails, I won't leave it on longer than about a week, and then I leave them natural for a good while so they can "breathe."  Ha!  Yes, I put that much thought into many aspects of my life.
   6.  I currently have two fur children I cherish: Fred (lab) and Cinna (GSD).  Fred is old as dirt (15!), and Cinna is sick with bone cancer.  It seems every other day, one or the other threatens to leave me and this world.  It is my current major stress.
   
   

   

   
   

   

   
   

   7.  Culinary is my #1 passion!  I love, love, love everything culinary! I love culinary culture, history, lifestyles, alternative culinary, etc.  I think many people believe music to be my first passion, but it's not.

   8.  I am/was a singer/songwriter.  I used to play and perform much more than I do now, but then I grew up, got a job, and realized I didn't need to play every gig for measly chump change anymore.  It was a cool run, but I don't plan to jump back on that train for a while.
   
   

   

   
   

   9.  I love to swim, ride my bike, and walk/hike!  I have done these three activities for so long, and they provide me so much happiness and peace.  I don't do any three of them in a super strenuous way, but I'm pretty consistent in doing one almost every day.  I'm sure people think I'm slightly nuts as they bump into me swimming while they're tubing the river, or catch me riding my little cruiser bike to the grocery, or honk at me as they see me walking in some random places, but I don't care.  These activities help me mentally relax, bring me close to nature, and provide some exercise.  I look forwards to these little "escapes" every day. 

   10.  I am an "open book" to a fault!  I have no secrets.  None.  Non.  No.  Nein.  I will tell you TOO much.  I love learning about people and making new friends.
   11.  I'm a self-proclaimed know-it-all by fault of being a research nerd and passionately curious, and I have to force myself to restrain from being a "backseat driver" a LOT.  And, I'm not always successful at that. 
   12.  I have an obsession with the pregnancy and birthing process even though I've never been pregnant, had kids, nor sure I want kids.  Simply put, the science of reproduction is wildly fascinating to me.  I'm a 100% weirdo. 

   13.  I also have an obsession with Theology and religious/spiritual culture even though my most consistent prayer to God as of late has been, "Dear God...if you exist...please forgive me for my weakness in faith of your existence.  I know you know I'm trying...that is if you're listening...because you might be real."  I mean, what is that?!  My attempt at insurance?!  Please crusaders and evangelists...no, I don't need your help.  I'm a very spiritual person, but all those details are pretty hazy to me right now.  I currently consider myself a Unitarian Mystic.  For whatever it's worth, I love reading Theological/Spiritual literature.
   14.  My soul belongs in the mountains and high desert.  The end.  Period.  I'm still not sure why I don't live there.
   15.  I believe in birth order and zodiac theories.  Yep, I'm that weirdo.  It doesn't rule my life, but the connections can be quite consistent and revealing.

   
   

   

   
   

   So, basically, I'm a fruit cake!       

July 15 Day Blog Challenge

Sometimes I need outside inspiration to give my writing a little kick in the ass, so I desparately went googling for any sort of "blog challenge" I could find.  I'm not one to set my goals too high, so I went with a fifteen day challenge I randomly came across on someone's blog.

When my life feels so consumed with emotion and anxiety, I have this urgent need to create a Jackson Pollock masterpiece of my inner psyche vomit exploding on paper (errr, screen)!  I wish you and myself good luck these next fifteen days...

Clairsonic..the Facial Electric Toothbrush

My mom bought me the Clairsonic Mia Facial Cleansing Brush for "Mother's Day" (I have fur babies).  I felt bad when she first gave it to me because I did not show more thanks than I should have...for a $100+ gift!  I thought this little brush was probably $25, and I sort of laughed off the gift as a sweet little "Mom to Daughter" gift.  Little did I know its true cost until I went to work and googled it.  Holy smokes, depending on the model you buy, these things can get up to $250!  Shocked, I immediately (and selfishly) thought, "Damn, Mom!  You could have gotten me a new Kitchen Aid stand mixer for that!"  I just could not fathom why a vibrating facial brush would be worth that much!  After doing a little research on the Clairsonic, I discovered the same inventors of the Sonicare toothbrush are responsible for the Clairsonic facial brush.  Then, I realized some of the reason for the brush's high price...cha-ching!

The reason my mom got me the brush is because I'm passionate about skin care.  I'm extremely picky about what I put on my face, almost never wear face make-up, and am an avid face washer and exfoliater.  With that being said, I'll admit I have pretty good skin tone and clarity...but, I didn't always.  I dealt with cystic acne when I was an early teen.  Fortunately, I decided to treat it with Accutane before any major scarring occurred.  Yes, there is a lot of criticism against the use of Accutane, but I did fine on it, and I'm prone to anxiety/depression.  At any rate, I know how frustrating and depressing acne woes can be, and I truly sympathize with those who suffer from it.

Back to the brush...I was not buying that this brush was any different from diligent and regular exfoliating/cleansing/toning, but I was absolutely willing to give it a true trial run since I didn't have to spend the money to buy it.  Since I was a regular exfoliater before, I didn't see how my before and after results could really be that drastic.  So, I set my exfoliating product aside, and I've been using the Clairsonic regularly almost morning and night for a little over a month now.  Here are my thoughts:

• My first worry was how the brush would affect my light case of Rosacea.  Clairsonic claims the brush was safe for those with Rosacea, and I agree.  My rosacea did not flare upon use.
• The first time I used the Clairsonic, I could definitely feel the difference in my skin.  Not going to lie; my face did feel a little raw and irritated, but it did not look raw and irritated.  That feeling subsided after a few days.
• My skin looks very even and smooth, but it did, as well, with my previous exfoliating product.  Did I see a drastic "before and after" difference in my skin upon using the Clairsonic?  No, not drastic.
• Blackheads on nose seem to be reduced and are easier to extract (big plus for me).
• Did I still have my regular hormonal breakouts?  Yep.  Key word being "hormonal" here.  Look, friends...if you have hormonal cystic acne problems, there's just not a whole lot your can do that doesn't require an oral medication.  I don't suffer from surface acne, so I really can't speak for the effectiveness of the Clairsonic for that.
• The brush holds its charge well and long.
• Due to occasional laziness, I would periodically skip using the Clairsonic and opt for a regular hand washing.  I could definitely see a reduction in results when I did this.  You really need to use it with every washing if you want optimum results.
• The Clairsonic is very expensive, and I'm still not sure it's worth it.
• Do I think it's results can't be reached by another method?  No, but in order to achieve those results, you will have to add an exfoliating step to your cleansing routine both day and night.  The Clairsonic conveniently combines the cleansing and exfoliating step into one.  

In conclusion.....I like the Clairsonic brush and believe it is a legit product.  My skin tone and texture is great with Clairsonic use.  I do believe you can achieve comparable results with regular exfoliating with each morning and evening wash, but the Clairsonic is the more convenient route, and convenience often leads to consistency in routine use which is imperative for stellar results with the Clairsonic.   Basically, this little machine is a skin-tone goddess.  I really was impressed with that aspect.  I don't believe this little brush will be a miracle worker for severe acne sufferers, but I do believe one will see decent results if you have that T-zone type, irritated, non-severe, clogged pore flare-up type of acne.  No matter what, the Clairsonic is not going to produce negative results, but the big question is....is it worth the price?!?!?!

Well, If you have an extra $100 laying around burning a hole in your pocket, then yes, I would buy the basic bottom-line model "Mia" at $115.  Personally, I would have a hard time shelling out $100 for the Clairsonic, and I definitely wouldn't if I were pressed for funds.  I absolutely would NOT spend over $100 for the other Clairsonic models.  In my opinion, the Clairsonic is definitely worth $50 - $75, but not a penny more.  If you want Clairsonic results but can't afford one, implement a regular exfoliating routine before cleansing both day and night.

Bottom line, I'm glad a Clairsonic was given to me, BUT there's a reason I use an Oral-B toothbrush instead of a Sonicare toothbrush  ;-)  I'm curious to see how the other electric facial brushes match up to the Clairsonic.

Thanks, Mom!  I honestly do love my Clairsonic...

Facebook addict and NOT going to lie about it...like 90% of human kind does

"She/he's on Facebook all the time!  She/he obviously has no life...is so narcissistic...is so insecure..."  You hear this all the time come up in conversation.  At first, I'd go with the flow of the conversation like most anyone naturally would, but then the topic started to rub me the wrong way.  Hey, wait, how do you know someone's on FB all the time if you, the accuser, aren't on there a comparable amount of time in order to see the "proof" of that person being on there all the time?  And, why the hell does it matter if they are?!

Sure, it's annoying when someone checks-in at every place they visit during the day, or when they tell us about every gym workout, food eaten, baby rollover, or mundane daily activity, but, you know, there's this thing called the "hide button."  Utilize it instead of obsessing over someone's apparent over-use of the Facebook medium!  We don't know why that person feels compelled to tell/show us these things, so why judge them?  Maybe they're extremely lonely or bored.  Or, maybe they've had other people expressing interest in knowing every little detail about their child's growth and development.  Maybe they're adding all those pictures for their own record keeping purposes.  Maybe they're checking in at a restaurant or showing/telling us the food they're eating because they didn't want to forget what they ordered for next time, or they want you to know how awesome it is so you'll be inclined to try it one time...not necessarily because they're trying to show off their hot date, expensive meal, or envious lifestyle.  And, again, why the hell would it matter if they were?!  YOU make the choice to log in to FB to view...no one is forcing you to view their life.  I think we often forget that as both a viewer and poster, we have a choice to participate or not.

"Hi.  My name is Claire, and I'm a Facebook addict....from 7:30am - 5:30pm M-F."  Do you work an office job?  Are you stuck staring at a computer 40 hours a week?  Do you know the extent of misery and boredom that can result from this?  Look, I've worked both an office job and a non-office job.  When I was in a non-office position, I was never on FB.  I was constantly walking around, often engaged in menial conversation with random people, and rarely found a chance to sit down.  I do not prefer to check FB or search the net on my phone, so I was really MIA from the Facebook world for awhile (believe it!).  So, I get it, and I think the majority of FB critics and naysayers are these non-office job workers.  They don't get the monotony and feeling of entrapment an office job can provide.  Facebook is an office worker's portal to the outside world!  We can exchange small talk between our various tasks!  It's a great relief!  Also, this is not to say office workers are any less busy than non-office workers.  We just don't move all day long!  So, in the 15 minutes it takes for a non-office worker to walk to their car and drive to a meeting, and the 1 hour of talking you probably didn't do in that meeting, tacked onto the additional 15 minutes of driving back to the office, the desk employee has been sitting there, not talking to a soul, not burning 30 minutes driving to and from a meeting, doing their task that took 10 minutes...with the rest of that time to kill.  Some days the office worker is stupid busy, and some days the office worker day is so slow and boring they want to stab their eyes out!  Facebook is the best thing that happened for the office worker!  It helps keep me sane at my job and in touch with some outside communication.

Here are some more complaints I hear about Facebook:

"I don't get on FB because people's publicized wonderful lives make me depressed."  Well, whose fault is that?  Sounds like a personal problem to me, not the poster's problem.

"She posts all the time; she's starving for attention."  DING!  DING!  DING!  You got that right!  Someone's bound to be bored to death at work, a SAH mom starving for a break from toddler world and the endless amounts of chores to be done, or a lonely recent divorced person whose new routine of solitude is less than desirable.

"I can not stand to see any more baby pictures!"  Well, maybe you can't, but I can bet there's a load of family members who can.  Remember, a poster is not catering their every post to satisfy YOU.  Again, learn to "hide" or log off, people.

"I can't stand reading all these posts from pious people wanting to fight about religion and politics!"  This one is a personal pet peeve of mine.  I hate it!  BUT, I still understand that I choose to participate in Facebook, so I take the goods with the bads.  Again, learn to silently disagree, brush it off, chuckle, and keep scrolling.  If you feel the need to post a counter-argument comment to their post, then you are of no different status than that of the original poster.  

"Facebook feeds narcissism."  Again, sounds like a personal problem.  If you can not engage in Facebook without being able to control the limits of your ego, then maybe you shouldn't be on there.  And, should you waste energy obsessing over someone else's level of narcissism by the content of their posts?  No.  Again, learn to "hide" these people if it bothers you that much, or simply smile, give it a little chuckle, and keep scrolling down your feed.  Their narcissism shouldn't affect the level of your own narcissism.  And, it's not your job to police their self-esteem levels.

The bottom line: Is it really worth giving a shit about it all?  Is it one's purpose to censor the content on FB or feel the need to publicly announce to all frequent FB posters that one's FB content is sub-par and should be removed?  Why should/do you care?!  Why does it bother you so much?!  Sorry people, the invention of Facebook was a game changer in the communications world, and it's not going anywhere.  Facebook has offered some brilliant advantages and and advancements I, for one, am happy to partake in.  Practice some self-control (if you feel the need to), empathy for other's weak self-esteems, try to understand people's different personalities require different needs to be filled, don't feed or partake in posting practices you disagree with, realize the possible hypocrisy in your anti-FB statement before declaring it, and, most importantly, be aware that YOU have made the decision to participate in Facebook.  Until you decide to deactivate your account, you have a cog in this machine.  Start "hiding" people, and your FB life will be much more pleasant.

CO-Washing....get your mind out of the gutter!

Ever heard of "co-washing?"  No, I'm not talking about those risque showers involving you and your honey!  I'm talking about "Conditioner Only (CO)"  hair washing.  It's all the craze with the curly haired community and with the introduction of the Wen hair product line by Chaz Dean. Fortunately, I was given a bottle of Wen cleansing conditioner by a friend a couple years ago.  I was skeptical, but insanely curious, as well.  Well, I tried it, loved it, wanted it, and then....."Whoa Betsy, it's expensive!"  After I went through my complimentary bottle from my friend, I discontinued using it due to Wen's price and my current state of excess funds at the time.

Being the research dork I am, and having the "if I can buy it, I should be able to make it" mind set, I got to researching and came across the "CO Washing" community and their critiques of the Wen hair system.  Basically, they were claiming the Wen system to be not thaaaat much different than co-washing with select very inexpensive OTC conditioners.  And, doubly bad ass, being the poor person I am, I was already using one of the top cheap brands recommended for co-washing...SCORE!

CO-washing seems to be heavily marketed in the Black female community due to their hair texture type.  On the other hand, Wen advertises their product as being acceptable for ALL hair types.  Use your own judgement; if you like it, do it!  Also, if you want to be more "legit" with choosing a co-washing product, there are actual products advertised as being "cleansing conditioners," but you will also pay for a "cleansing conditioner."

So, I have officially been co-washing with Suave's cheap ass Coconut conditioner and Suave's almost-as-cheap Rosemary Mint conditioner for a full week, and the verdict is...I love it!  Having used Wen in the past, I knew what to expect and how to properly co-wash hair, so I was not in full freak-out mode upon trying it out for the first time.  My hair is totally clean!  I will admit, I think co-washing long hair could be frustrating.  I can foresee a bunch of tangling in the longer tresses and and an insane amount of product use with long hair, but I wouldn't know for sure as I have a super short pixie cut.

Essentially, you're primarily cleaning the hair closest to the scalp.  For me, that's all my hair!  The process:  First, completely wet your hair.  Then apply a very liberal amount of conditioner to your scalp and vigorously massage into the scalp and hair.  Let sit while you bathe the rest of your body.  Then, add a splash of water to your conditioner-drenched hair, and begin working up a slight lather.  Finally, rinse clean!

Give it a shot!  Google them shits!  See what you think.  Let me know how it goes!

Here's a snippet on how to choose a co-washing conditioner.  Google "conditioner only washing" or "co-washing" for more info.

December Blog Dare: Fail

As you've noticed, I failed on my commitment to my December Blog Dare.  I figured I would simply because I was in Colorado for ten days in December.  I'm not stressed about it, but I would like to continue writing on some of the Blog Dare's writing prompts.  Here goes...

Thursday December 27th's prompt: An overused phrase.

Oh, man.  This one's an easy rant for me, but, first, let me start with a preface.  Do you guys remember when "awesome" was the key word used in a religious context?  It was about 10-12 years ago and very widely used in the non-denominational/fundamentalist Christian scene.  FCA, Campus Crusade, youth group gatherings, etc....everything was "AWESOME!"  God was an awesome God, life was awesome, god's work was awesome, fellowship was awesome, the Holy Spirit was performing awesome feats, the pastor's service was awesome....it was all AWESOME!  Ugh, it drove me craaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaazy!  So much so that I have had a bad taste in my mouth regarding this grouping of phonetic sounds ever since.  As a result, I rarely say it, and I rarely use it in a religious setting.  I'll find any equivalent or more specific synonym to use in its place.

Well, that community wore down "awesome," and they have adopted "blessed."  AHHHHHH, everyone is so f#@%ing BLESSED, now!  They're blessed with family, they're blessed with their job, they're blessed with their spouse, the restaurant is blessed with good chefs, they're blessed with the weather (whether it be snow, rain, sun, or wind), they're blessed for being able to buy the new car they just got, they're blessed with vacation time, they're blessed with the new Pet Smart that came to town, their ipod was such a blessing on their road trip, he was blessed with hot cocoa on the cold wintry day, God blessed them with answered prayers and good fortune.  Blessed, I tell you....BLESSED!  I want to puke every time I hear the word.  I can go to certain people's pages on Facebook and find the word "blessed" in almost every post.  Bleh.

Here's the deal.  I'm not some horrible person who thinks God is not awesome or who believes we can't be blessed with fortunate circumstances and loving people.  The awesome fad was more of an annoyance due to it repetitive and blatant overuse, but blessed does start to bother me in a contextual way.  The word blessed is loaded with arrogance, in my opinion.  Why have you been "blessed by God" with a healthy newborn baby but the new mother holding her Down Syndrome baby was not blessed by God?  Why were you blessed with good fortune and others weren't?  Why were you chosen over the other person?

The whole topic just leaves a bad taste in my mouth.  I hate when a word's richness becomes watered down by misuse and redundancy.  The word has died; it will never have the same affect on me it once did.

2013...Whatcha got?!

Happy New Year!  Whomp, whomp, whoooomp.  I'm not really "in" to the New Year as states the "January start" calendar.  For me, it seems like the new year occurs by the school calendar year or revolves around one's birthday.  In fact, these approaching months of January, February, March, and April are hands-down my least favorite months.  For whatever reason, bad shit and dramatic changes happen during this time.  The weather is weird, I'm weird, and there are no good holidays in the near future.  I'm depressed fall has come and gone and the real holidays are over.  Every time I reminisce about this time of year in years past, I get the creeps.  I can't really explain it, but it just is what it is.

I've never been a resolution maker.  I've talked about this before.  Resolution making is a personality type thing, and it doesn't fit mine.  I'm constantly soul searching, being introspective, and trying to "fix" myself.  So much so that it drives me to minor insanity.  I actually wish I was only bombarded with these thoughts once a year on January 1st!  What a relief that would be!  But, as a result of feeling eternally suffocated with the self-dissecting ramblings of my overly critical inner thoughts, I arise to acting on those concerns at various times throughout the year.  One of these moments of action came during my move from Little D back to NB.    I've been calling it my early New Year's Resolutions, but I'd like to think it's more of a realization of personal growth than a resolution. 

I've been working on the following three ideas:

1. Be way less judgmental.  If there is anything I've learned in the past 30 years, it's that I could have found myself, or find myself in the future, in the same situation as almost anyone one I've previously criticized or place judgment upon. An unwed mother?  Yep, I've been in the running for that possibility.  A mother with two different baby-dadies?  Yep, I most certainly could have been her.  Living with your parents after college graduation?  Been there!  Stayed with a man who didn't love you?  Mmmhmmmm.  Switched careers multiple times?  I think I'm making that one a goal!  Gotten fat?  Fallen in love with the "wrong" man?  Adultery?  Gone nutso?  "Too quick" engagements?  Career fail?  Family issues?  Divorce?  Starting from scratch?  And the list goes on!  I've learned as I grow older I could certainly be any one of these stereotypes, and it doesn't necessarily mean you are a bad, crazy, immoral, unhealthy, selfish, etc. person.  Sometimes luck and circumstance are the only factors that have separated me from some of these stereotypes, but, yet, I may have been deemed "ok" while the other has been negatively labeled.  My golden rule: put yourself in the other person's shoes.
2. There is NO set right way to live life.  This has been a biggie for me, and I hate it.  I want to adhere to this philosophy so bad, but I feel restrained by the pressures of "social norms" and parental conditioning.  I hate social norms, and I'm so mad they exist!  I'm so angry I've been conditioned to believe in them.  I'm so mad our society has created these ridiculous monetary "standards" one must strive to achieve or, as result, fear being labeled as lazy, ignorant, trash.  "Struggling" used to mean worrying about putting food on the table.  Now, it means anything less than driving a luxury car.  I want simple and humble life to return.  I want the business-degree jobs to be viewed as equal to those of the tradesman, teacher, fireman, etc.  I want it to be viewed as "ok" or "normal" to not be able to afford to travel to Europe, own a home, or live paycheck to paycheck.
   
   Maybe you don't have to be married to have a child?  Maybe you can make a school bus your homestead.  Why can't it be accepted as suitable for a mom to work and a dad to stay at home with the kids and NOT be labeled as deadbeat husband?  Why can't one choose to work a low paying retail or service industry job over being a lawyer or doctor?  Why can't a woman choose to not marry, be single her whole life, and not be labeled a lesbian?  Can a hippie eater be a republican?  Can a successful business man vote left?  I don't have answers to these questions, and, honestly, NO ONE does.  Which leads me to my third resolution...
3. BE HAPPY!  Stop giving a shit about what would make your parents, grandparents, friends, and bosses happy; start making YOU happy!  Don't marry a man because he's the man you're "supposed" to marry; marry the one you WANT to marry because he makes you happy, and you two have the same outlook on life.  Don't choose a career path because you know it would make your parents happy; choose the career YOU want that you believe will fullfill your wants and needs.  Hang out with whatever social sub-culture you like!  Don't hesitate from wearing a particular outfit because it may be considered out of style; wear whatever the hell you want to wear!  We didn't "grow up" to stay children.  It's time to live your own life, not the life someone's laid out for you.
   
   Bottom line:  Be happy, be free, be financially independent (whatever salary terms you choose to meet),  accept the consequences of your decisions and then move on, and be a responsible and loving adult to your babies.  Life's too short to worry about the petty shit.  We will succeed, and we will fail, but at least we'll be living and learning.

"We must let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us."

-Joseph Campbell-