Blog Challenge: Day 8

Describe "the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly" of yourself.

I'm listing my "good" as the last one on purpose...

2.  The Bad:  I'm a bossy know-it-all.  It seems like I've talked about this so often lately, but it's the truth.  The reason I'm a know-it-all is because I'm a natural researcher, prideful, and completely obsessive compulsive.  As soon as I come across something on which I'm naive or ignorant, I'm researching it as fast as I can.  I love learning...my Leo personality has just taken it to the next level of annoyance.

On the positive side, I think I've humbled through the years to where I'm able to somewhat subdue this annoying "back seat driver" trait of mine.  You see, I am my folks' spawn...and they're know-it-alls, too, so, it comes naturally to me.  You should see us all in the kitchen together!  It's a beautiful, chaotic, egotistical mess!  No lie!  We're not faux know-it-alls, either! <--- I'm pretty sure that was me justifying my "bad" as a "good."  See?!  Prideful, prideful, prideful....tisk, tisk, tisk.  I swear, I'm working on it.

3.  The Ugly:  I am a coward fueled by low self-esteem.  Yep, you heard me right.  Only my closest friends probably know about this side of me as I appear to have a very high self-esteem.  That's how it works, though.  Sure, I'm very confident in a few areas, but I'm also very fragile in many others.  One small, quick phrase with no ill intentions meant can be read falsely by me causing me to be shattered and shut down.  Some of the routine self-critical thoughts that go through my head are:

• I'm not worthy of being occupationally successful because it's known I'm a flake.
• I'll never be able to hold down a man because I'm not conventionally feminine or sexy enough; it's just a matter of time before they leave me seeking out those attributes in another woman.
• I shouldn't aspire to change career paths because I'd never be able to commit to it.
• I can't be a mother because I'll automatically turn into a neurotic, control-freak bitch both my husband and kids will hate.
• So-and-so didn't text/call me back, or said that to me, because they hate me.  Why did I ever think they be interested in hanging out with me?
• I can't trust any of my impulses because they must be fueled by my history with Pure-O OCD.
• I could never make a big out-of-state move because everyone knows I'll just come crawling back with my tail between my legs.
• I'll never be pretty enough, smart enough, adult enough, fun enough, cool enough, sexy enough, and so on.  Whatever the situation yields...

As a result, I often feel inadequate, stunted, trapped, and not taken seriously, which causes me to shut down and be a coward.  I absolutely know these bogus feelings and reactions are false, which leads me to...  

1.  The Good:  I'm very honest with myself and self-reflective which helps conceal and control "the bad" and "the ugly."  I know I can be annoying and overbearing as a know-it-all, and I know all these crazy negative thoughts running through my head are unjustified and self-induced.  I'm constantly working on subduing my instinctual reaction to fly in and take over a situation as a know-it-all would.  I'm working on being a better conversationalist so that I listen as much as I contribute.  I'm working on accepting someone's differing approach to a situation as not being inadequate to my approach since I think I know "the best" approach.  I know all those bulleted statements above are a bunch of shit and should not define my life.  I'm working on accepting MY life and whatever it may entail as opposed to the "expected" life I'm supposed to live.  I'm getting better at knowing when I'm assessing a reaction or situation through the lenses of an unjustifiably scared, unconfident woman and kicking my own ass for doing so.  I'm learning to accept my female "conventional inadequacies" as a being a standard for some, but definitely not all.  I'm learning it's ok to go with my gut, now; it's probably not the OCD talking.  I'm learning to not give a shit what people think or expect of me.  I'm learning it's ok to be happy in the life I'm choosing to create.

You know, it's a process, but as long as we're open to putting our pride aside and being honest with ourselves through a little introspection, it's amazing the well-rounded, healthy human beings we can become.