Hide and Seek

Now that I'm back in New Braunfels, I've had the awareness of my self-identity slammed in my face.  I mean, I knew I was changing, and was wanting to change, when I met S and moved to Denton.  I was fed up with music, art, flakiness, nontraditionalism, non-working people who didn't understand I was a working person...who was also an artist, political fanaticism, and the list goes on.  I was fed up!  I was going through some growing pains.

Does that mean I am those characteristics listed above or opposed to or in favor of those things?  I thought I was at the time, but I'm not so convinced anymore.  The past ten years I've struggled with balancing who I was raised to be versus the character I'm becoming in my own book.  Am I the traditional, one marriage, degree earning, church going, gun owning, Republican minded little individual my parents raised, or am I the crazy, cooky, English degree earning, song writing, creative, pierced and tattooed, crafty, alternative thinking, unitarian, hippie'esque person my life experiences have shaped me into becoming?  For years I felt I had to choose one extreme or the other, and if I didn't shape my experiences into wholly supporting one side, I would be cheating on the other.

I was mentally and emotionally exhausted from the unnatural efforts of trying to fit a specific mold fueled by social obligations and expectations from both sides of the spectrum when I was, in fact, a piece of ALL those characters and ideologies.  I finally said to hell with it all and surrendered to the fact I might possibly be this unique individual who walks a chicken scratch path of life.  Maybe I can be an artist who is not a Democrat?  Maybe I can work a 9-5 job but also be perfectly content with never having a "career" or making over $40K/year?  Maybe I can be a progressive theologian who also loves and appreciates a traditional Christian services and holidays?  Maybe I can love being a small town girl but also despised some of the small minded ignorant ideologies associated with?  Maybe I can love shooting a gun and support the right to bear arms but also see the attractiveness of a vegan lifestyle?  Maybe I can have a passion for music but not want to pursue it?

You know what?  I can.  And, it's the most liberating feeling.

"The key to keeping your balance is knowing when you've lost it."  -Anonymous

Fast Forward, Catch Up, and Slow Down

Yeah, yeah, yeah, so, it's been a while.  Hey, I've had a lot of shit going on the past six months, the most obvious being mine and Steven's split, which resulted in my move back to the hill country.  Phew, it's been a wild ride, but a good one.  I'm not going to go into detail about my and S's break-up; we just both decided our futures did not belong with the other in them.  The split all happened pretty sudden which further resulted in my life, especially, hitting the fast forward button!  I immediately became consumed with finding a fully supporting job, deciding where that job would be, interviewing, travelling an immense amount of miles between North Texas and South Texas, house hunting, etc.  Needless to say, I have been extremely busy building and adjusting to a new life!

So, now that I've had the intense fast forward, and I've caught you up on the big picture, I can *exhale* slow down a bit...