December Blog Dare: Day 9

Day 9:  I was certain I would disappoint...

...a lot of people when I was OCD crazy years back.  I disappointed my parents the most, but they're definitely not the only ones.  You know, I've never taken a moment to write down an apology to all those affected by my OCD craziness.  I'd like to do that now.

Mom & Dad-  Seriously, there's too much to apologize for, but I'll try.  I'm sorry I put you both through hell when I was a mute in 7th grade.  I'm sorry I was accepted to and withdrew from about three different colleges two weeks before school started.  I'm sorry for taking two separate 1.5 hour long baths every day for months; but, seriously, I needed that break from my OCD world, and it was the only way I could get it.  I'm sorry for making you cater to all my OCD needs, like not having the TV or radio on for as much as you would allow me.  Thank you for letting me turn bottles, flip magazines over, live in a super dark dog-hair-infested cave with all my clothes folded in stacks on the floor, drive alternate routes miles out of the way of our destination, and for not letting me return Fred once we got him.  I'm sorry for being mean to you and Dad.  I only did it out of OCD necessity and as a coping mechanism.  I'm sorry for making you cry over and over and over again.  I'm sorry for not making a lick of sense most of the time.  I'm sorry for the immense amount of worry I caused you both.

Dad, I'm sorry for frustrating the ever living hell out of you.  I know you didn't understand what I was going through, and you still don't understand what I was going through, but you blindly trucked along by my side through that whole journey, and it meant the world to me.  I know you wanted to "fix" me, but nothing you tried worked.  I know I cost you a bunch of money in therapy and mistakes during that time, and I'm greatly sorry for that.

I'm sorry, Mom and Betzy, I drove all the way to CO for a summer job and then made y'all pick me up in Sante Fe in the midst of a panic attack.  Thanks for the ambien, Betzy ;-).  I'm sorry I ruined y'all's trip.

And, on that note, I'm sorry Lake City, CO shop owner I walked out on you and your job when you put your faith in this young Texan girl you had never met.  That was shitty of me, but I was scared.  I should have at least told you I was bailing.

Dr. B, I'm sorry for being a bad patient which resulted in you dropping me a couple times.  I know it took me a while to be cooperative, and you were super patient with me.  It was extremely hard for me to trust putting my life in someone else's hands, but you did a fine job once I handed it over.  I will greatly appreciate you FOREVER.  You saved my life.

Fred, I'm sorry for keeping you locked in that dark ass cave with me for months!  You were the only person I fully allowed into my life at that time.  I sang to you, talked to you, slept with you, played with you...you  were the only person I trusted.  I owe you my life, little fur man.  I love you.

Tim Huchton, it still bothers me to this day I bailed on you at camp.  You knew I would, too.  I know you didn't know how sick I was at that time, and I led you to believe I was ok.  I embarrassed you to your supervisors, and I let the rest of the staff down when I bailed.  I am sincerely sorry for shitting on the faith you put in me...sincerely.

Clay and Justin, I apologize to you guys for bailing on our Colorado trip that morning our senior (?) year.  That bail was the first of many to mark the beginning of what was to come.  You two continued to be dear friends to me, and I appreciate your patience through my nuttiness.

And, to all my friends who tried to call me, help out, and/or simply be an empathetic shoulder to lean on, I'm sorry I ignored and  ran from you.  I was scared.  You didn't fit my OCD control zone at the time.  You showed me unconditional love in a time when I was a bad friend.  I will never forget the compassion you guys gave me and the patience and faith you had in our friendship.  Thank you.

My apologies,
CC