December Blog Dare: Day 8

Day 8:  The look on his/her face made it all worth it when...

I don't think I can honestly complete this prompt.  I thought about making up some fabricated story for you guys, and then "SIKE!"ing you guys at the end, but it would have been such apparent bullshit.

Basically, I'm not very exciting.  I don't have kids to surprise, money to buy grandiose gifts, people to propose to, or pregnancies to announce.  I don't play pranks or scare people because that would take too much energy, and I would prematurely start laughing.  Even when I have exciting news, it comes out in this stoner'esque way totally killing the vibe.  I've never super surprised anyone, had shocking news, or delivered it in a way that would "make a look on your face."  I suck at keeping secrets, too.

One time my mom found out I had my nipples pierced, and the look on her face totally did NOT "make it worth it."  Or, when I packed up all my shit in my college dorm room and showed up at my parents saying, "Nope, I can't do it.  Not going back."; the looks on their faces was not "worth it" then, either.  Then, there's that one time I surprised my mom with a phone call, "Mom, I totaled the Volvo...and I'm just up the street."  The look on her face was not "worth it" then, either.

Seems like I've done more bad shocking things than good.  Sorry for being a booger, folks.

Actually, every time I theatrically retell my college shit-my-pants story to my folks after a few glasses of wine, I realize it was "worth it" to suffer through my embarrassment for the their smiles, laughs, and belly grabs.  I never mind sacrificing my pride to make a jolly moment for them or others ;-)

Never trust the "hold it,"
CC

December Blog Dare: Day 7

Day 7:  I finally gave in and...

• ...jumped on the boots and leggings thing.  Love it.  Although, I do feel quite bare in the lady junk department when wearing leggings sometime.  Seriously, it doesn't matter if my lady bits are showing or now, I feel exposed.  Super comfy, though, and we all know I'm ALL about comfort.  
• ...let a new mister into my life, and I'm so glad I did.  He was very patient, I was very crazy, and we are very happy.  I mean, it's hard going from married state, to in-control single gal again, to dating again.  I was scared, I was stubborn, I was scared, I was wishy-washy, and did I mention I was scared?!?!?!  Well, I finally surrendered to myself.  I opened the door to new Mister, and there is nothing scary about him.  In fact, he comforts me when I'm scared.  We fit, and I'm not sure I've ever quite fit with anyone before.  I've got a super soft spot for this fella.  
• ...embraced the Apple obsession.  Best techie product out there.  Seriously, people.  Stop buying PCs!  They are worthless and break!  I guarantee you will end up saving money is you just buy an Apple.
• ...started drinking a little whiskey.  It's still not my go-to liquor, but it's been fun venturing outside my comfort zone.
• ...started taking meds for my OCD (years ago, that is).  Took me a while to surrender to this one, and I now understand why I need them.  I got off them for about 6 months while living in Denton.  Whoa, that was eye opening.  Cried for six months straight...for no reason.
• ...went to the real music store to buy strings despite knowing my "arch enemy" would be there.  We had a forced confrontation that ended on a real good note.  Glad I made a big girl move, there.  We rose to a common ground, and I see a much brighter future for our friendship than I did before.
• ...moved away from my hometown for a bit, and to Dallas, at that!  Everyone told me to leave my bubble, and so I did when the opportunity arose.  You know, Dallas is still not my thing, and I missed the shit out of the Hill Country while I was gone, and I stood out like a sore thumb up in N. Texas, but I'm so glad I made the move.  The experience was good for me personally, and it was good for mine and old Mister's relationship.  Even though the plan didn't pan out as originally expected, I don't regret the move or relationship one bit.  It was a valuable learning experience.

Surrender sometimes,
CC

December Blog Dare: Day 6

Day 6:  I don't think you understand...

...the internal chaos I suffer in my mind all day every day.  Yep, the whole nine yards: therapy, medication, panic attacks, drastic decisions, break downs, etc.  Sure, some days are better than others, and some years are better than others, but I will carry this susceptibility to anxiety with me my whole life.

I am a diagnosed "Pure Obsessional" OCD sufferer.  I have been for most of my life.  After finally being properly diagnosed at 19 years old, I was able to see how long I had been living with this disorder and could recognize the impact it has had in various parts of my life.  for me, it flares up in times of change.  In need of a coping mechanism for dealing with these changes, I subconsciously adopted the unique "spike and compulsive reassurance" ritual of a Pure-O.  Unlike classic OCD symptoms which can be seen, i.e. tapping, cleaning, organizing, etc, a Pure-O's compulsions take place completely in the mind.  I don't have the energy or eloquence to fully explain the details of what a Pure-O goes through, but if you'd like to read more or know someone who might be an undiagnosed Pure-O, please check out this website.  It provides an adequate understanding of Pure-O OCD and, also, offers an interactive forum and supportive community of fellow Pure-Os.

For the most part, I'm good now.  I've been through so much therapy, self-awareness, and many experiences over the years that have helped prepare me on how to deal with my disorder.  I do feel called to reach out to those who may be suffering from the incapacitating Pure-O "spikes and compulsions" and want to offer emotional support to those living in this extremely lonely, and often shameful, world.  Please do not hesitate to ask me any questions concerning Pure-O OCD should you have any.

This pic offers a brief glimpse into a Pure-O's mind.  Know the "thought" is one so obscene and so uncharacteristic of your natural self, but your mind is tricking you into believing it.  Then starts the mental compulsion ritual...

Mental/Emotional disorders are very real and can be very dangerous.  Don't let this silent stalker bully you or a loved one...

Wishing you mental peace,
CC

December Blog Dare: Day 5

Day 5:  What I hoped to accomplish with my blog in 2012

Ha...ummmm....well.....let's see....

I hope my blog:

• eased some of my boredom at work.
• eased someone else's boredom at work.
• eased some of my loneliness while living in Denton.
• educated some folks on cooking techniques and alternative food lifestyles.
• gave me an audience to sing and express my wacky mind to.
• traveled all over the world!
• provided comfort to someone who was feeling a similar pain of one of my posts.
• entertained.

This blog dare was not very daring.  Next!

Lame-o,
CC

December Blog Dare: Day 4

Day 4:  Acts of Kindness

This topic of "kindness" has come up quite a lot lately with my friend.  She's seeing a new man friend, and she often says he's "kind."  This word sparked up a conversation on the difference between being "nice" and being "kind."  I believe kindness to be an innate quality in certain people, and I believe niceness to be more of an obligatory learned trait.  For example, someone is nice when they open the door for a women to let her in the daycare facility.  Someone is being kind when they offer to watch her kids so she and her husband can have a date night.  See the difference?

I adore random acts of kindness.  I, myself, like to partake in random acts of kindness.  I like to mail random "I appreciate you" letters to people, make surprise cookie drops, leave notes on door steps and car windows, etc.  I often receive criticism regarding these acts because "they send mixed messages", "lead people on", and "are you a lesbian?"  It saddens me every time I receive these comments because it makes me aware of how out of touch we've become on simply being "kind" and how obsessed we've become with sexuality.

Everything we do or say these days seems to be perceived as "loaded."  It drives me nuts.  If you're kind to someone, it must mean you want to have sex with them or need some sort of big favor.  If do or support a kind act, then you must be a liberal hippie.  If you express your love and gratitude towards a same-sex friendship, then you're gay.  Can't we just be kind?!  It's so disheartening.

I'll keep being kind, and I guess I'll keep giving my disclaimer of not being gay, a desperate whore, or slimy sleazeball with each act of kindness I offer.  Nothing makes me happier than receiving other's acts of kindness, and I hope to provide the same warm and fuzzies to those who receive mine.

I challenge YOU to do an unasked for random act of kindness, and tell me about it in a comment.  You'll feel amazing; "I guarantee it!"

Warm fuzzies,
CC

December Blog Dare: Day 3

Day 3:  What we tell, and don't tell, the kids about Santa Clause.

I don't have kids, but if I did have kids, I don't think I'd have a problem whatsoever introducing Santa into their lives.  In fact, I'm excited to live vicariously through my kids once Santa is in their lives!

I love magic, mysticism, fantasy, and creativity.  One of my biggest pet peeves are people who think Harry Potter is the devil.  Are you freaking kidding me?!?!?!  Hearing this kind of shit makes me want to stab my eyes out with a spork!  Come on, people.  Have a little more faith in your faith.  I'm thinking a lot of the same people who hate Harry probably hate sweet ol' St. Nick for the same reasons.

Me?  I love the big jolly guy and all the tradition and joy he brings with him.  I honestly wish he were real.  My favorite Christmas movie is the 1994 version of Miracle on 34th Street.   Every time I watch it, I secretly wish I was Dorey, every sweet old man I know really is Santa....and that hot lawyer guy wanted to marry me!  Wow, that's embarrassing  but it's true.  I want magic to exist.  I want magic to exist for my kids, as well (should I ever reproduce).  Magic generates creativity, which generates ideas, which generates new and, sometime, interesting goals, which generate hope and excitement.  Who couldn't use a little more hope and excitement?!

Santa rocks.  He rocks as a fun holiday tradition.  He rocks as a symbol for kindness and self-discipline.  He rocks as a once-a-year parenting tool.  He rocks as a world-wide symbol we ALL know!  He rocks as a memory maker.  He's a bad ass actor in many movies.  He rocks as an excuse to take a break from the real "adult" world.  He rocks as an instigator of giddy happiness.

I'll be sad when my hypothetical spawn (word, Paige!) are too cool for Santa one day....

Team Santa!
CC

December Blog Dare: Day 2

Remember, I'm stealing these prompts...

Day 2:  When snow begins to fall...

...I begin to see flying pigs!  Why?  Because it doesn't snow here, silly!  I live in S. Texas.  Snow comes around here as often as a Hasidic Jew!  No offense intended, just sayin'.  We get snow flakes maaaaaaaaaaaybe once a winter.  Please notice the stress on "flakes."  It doesn't stick or pile up, and it usually melts before it hits the ground.  Now, up in Denton, we got some snow...not a ton, but it would stick every once in a while.  That was neat, but I don't live there anymore.

My new friend has been making me some bad ass paper snowflakes to help brighten my mood, though.  Check out this festive sweetness!

So, in conclusion, when the snow begins to fall, what do I do????  Post it on Facebook like every other fool!  Duh!

Covered in paper clippings,
CC

   

The December Blog Dare: Day 1

I've been looking high and low for some writing inspiration or prompts, and, low and behold, I came across this December Blog Dare via a friend of a friend of friend's blog post.  YES!  So, thank you to the people over at this blog for letting me borrow your genius so I can be entertaining for at least 31 days.  Damn, I have some catching up to do....

Day 1:  My Holiday Wish!

Hmmm, you know, it's kind of weird for me to 1) make a wish at all, and 2) confine it to a set time frame, i.e. "the holidays."  I'm not much for wishing.  I think wishing is for the naive, which I wish I was.  I don't wish; I DO.  I would say I wish I could be in Colorado with my family, but, guess what?, I'm DOING that.  Or, I could be generic and wish for a million dollars, world peace, and a cure for cancer, but I'm a realist and know that shit is not going to happen.  Maybe I could wish for new boots for Christmas?  Oooops, already bought 'em; I'm wearing them as we speak.  I could wish for personal happiness, but what kind of lazy ass would I be to just expect that to happen without any work on my part?  Again, that "doing" part gets in the way of "wishing."

The term "wish" is about as worthless to me as the term "hero."  I've never been fond of either.  Hero is a strong word.  There is not a single human being I could/would consider my "hero" unless someone literally saves me from some catastrophic event, like drowning.  Don't get me wrong, there are people whose choices in life and personality characteristics I greatly admire, but they're not my "hero."  I consider these people to be more like gurus, teachers, and inspirations.  The term "hero" is intense and all too encompassing for me, and there is no such thing as a perfect person, so, under that definition, can a "hero" even exist?  And, if a hero can exist, how pathetic are you to want to wholly be just like them?  Not for me.  One person I admire may be a great listener...but a shitty cook!  Therefore, they can not be my hero; no hero of mine would suck in the kitchen...just sayin'.  I prefer to pick and choose parts of the many wonderful people in my life to guide me through MY life.

*waiting for someone to comment with, "Not true!  Jesus is perfect, and he is my hero!"*  FYI, the supernatural are not allowed in this conversation.

So, with all that said, I can honestly fully support my "wish" of having crisp and cold weather this holiday season.  There's not a damn thing I can DO about the weather, and it's not completely unrealistic for that to happen here in South Texas.  There!  A true wish!  I would really like for this wish to be granted because the weather here has been horrendously hot lately making it very difficult to get in the holiday spirit...can't ya tell?! ;-)

Snowflakes and Redbirds *fingers crossed*,
CC

Hide and Seek

Now that I'm back in New Braunfels, I've had the awareness of my self-identity slammed in my face.  I mean, I knew I was changing, and was wanting to change, when I met S and moved to Denton.  I was fed up with music, art, flakiness, nontraditionalism, non-working people who didn't understand I was a working person...who was also an artist, political fanaticism, and the list goes on.  I was fed up!  I was going through some growing pains.

Does that mean I am those characteristics listed above or opposed to or in favor of those things?  I thought I was at the time, but I'm not so convinced anymore.  The past ten years I've struggled with balancing who I was raised to be versus the character I'm becoming in my own book.  Am I the traditional, one marriage, degree earning, church going, gun owning, Republican minded little individual my parents raised, or am I the crazy, cooky, English degree earning, song writing, creative, pierced and tattooed, crafty, alternative thinking, unitarian, hippie'esque person my life experiences have shaped me into becoming?  For years I felt I had to choose one extreme or the other, and if I didn't shape my experiences into wholly supporting one side, I would be cheating on the other.

I was mentally and emotionally exhausted from the unnatural efforts of trying to fit a specific mold fueled by social obligations and expectations from both sides of the spectrum when I was, in fact, a piece of ALL those characters and ideologies.  I finally said to hell with it all and surrendered to the fact I might possibly be this unique individual who walks a chicken scratch path of life.  Maybe I can be an artist who is not a Democrat?  Maybe I can work a 9-5 job but also be perfectly content with never having a "career" or making over $40K/year?  Maybe I can be a progressive theologian who also loves and appreciates a traditional Christian services and holidays?  Maybe I can love being a small town girl but also despised some of the small minded ignorant ideologies associated with?  Maybe I can love shooting a gun and support the right to bear arms but also see the attractiveness of a vegan lifestyle?  Maybe I can have a passion for music but not want to pursue it?

You know what?  I can.  And, it's the most liberating feeling.

"The key to keeping your balance is knowing when you've lost it."  -Anonymous

Fast Forward, Catch Up, and Slow Down

Yeah, yeah, yeah, so, it's been a while.  Hey, I've had a lot of shit going on the past six months, the most obvious being mine and Steven's split, which resulted in my move back to the hill country.  Phew, it's been a wild ride, but a good one.  I'm not going to go into detail about my and S's break-up; we just both decided our futures did not belong with the other in them.  The split all happened pretty sudden which further resulted in my life, especially, hitting the fast forward button!  I immediately became consumed with finding a fully supporting job, deciding where that job would be, interviewing, travelling an immense amount of miles between North Texas and South Texas, house hunting, etc.  Needless to say, I have been extremely busy building and adjusting to a new life!

So, now that I've had the intense fast forward, and I've caught you up on the big picture, I can *exhale* slow down a bit...