Cliff Wilkins Memorial Service

Tuesday Dec. 2 - 6pm
New Braunfels Presbyterian Church

Rest in peace, my dear friend

This morning (Thanksgiving morning) at 7am, my Uncle Cliff died in the comfort of his home. It was an extremely tough night for Cliff and the family, but Hospice came in to make him comfortable during his transition, of which we were extremely thankful for. I am exhausted, and will provide more details later. I am so thankful for all the loving, compassionate, and supportive people God has put in my life, and also that Cliff is finally achieving the peace and serenity he has so been longing for. You will be greatly missed until we meet again.

Love you, Cliffy,
Claire

A Trade In?

Do you ever not like who you think you're bound by nature AND nurture to fundamentally be? Sometimes I don't. Sometimes, I wish I could be more 25 year old-like; more care-free about not having a job, health insurance, or think I can survive on the berries in my back yard. Maybe more tattoo wearing, lib-loving, OR red-neck, gay hatin', and bible beatin'??? Or, less "you silly young people" like. Or, more promiscuous, spontaneous, giggly, and slutty-clothes-wearing. I used to think I could reverse my innate grandma-esque qualities by submerging myself in a sub-culture of the exact opposite only to find out I'm really not that opposite. And sooooometimes, it's discovering I'm a little bit of both, but not extremely one, that gets me the MOST frustrated with who I am. Why can't I be so absolute when answering the "who I am" question like all these extremist are?! Sometimes, I envy them and their unwavering confidence in answering that question.

I think sometimes I can envy the one person I also hate the most. What's up with that?! All the people who drive me crazy because they are literally soooo naive and selfish, I envy because I'd just might have a little more "fun," and be more tolerant, in big crowds when I'm out trying to do the normal 25 year old thing. Maybe if I was a little LESS introspective, and little more dumb and numb, life would be a hell of a lot easier. Then, when I do fuck up, it doesn't hurt as bad 'cause I'd be too naive and selfish to even realize it WAS a fuck up. AHHHHHH! My brain hurts.

But, as soon as I lay it out like this, I wouldn't trade me for the world. It all becomes more clear and convincing. I'll be worrying about this again in another 28 days. The joys of being a woman.

The 411 on my lack of 411 to you via a phone conversation

Alright, dudes. "Here's the deal," as my boss would say. The reason I seem to be unreachable by phone is because I honestly am! I am busy, and when I'm not, the last thing I want to do is spend an hour "shooting the shit" on the phone. I work all day 'till 5pm, so don't expect me to answer the phone during those hours, and then I play music roughly 2 - 3 times a week, so don't expect me to answer my phone from 5pm to at least 10:30pm those evenings. Then it doesn't help that all my friends are not friends with each other. Soooooo, instead of having one big weekly dinner, or happy hour, gathering with all my friends, I spend at least 3 out of the 4 free evenings I have trying to have dinner with some of those friends to show them I care, because I do...so don't expect me to answer the phone during those times, either! I have an insane dog who equals to having a todler. I walk him after work for roughly an hour, and then rush off to one those "dinner nights" with a friend.

You see, I am honestly missing your phone calls; I'm not just screening them because I don't want to talk to you...well, most of you, that is ;). When I actually do get an evening alone to myself, the LAST thing I want to do is grab my phone and spend all night trying to "catch up" with all those I didn't get a chance to see during the week. So people, give me a break, please! Send me a text, or email, and I'll get back to ya in a heartbeat because texting is short, sweet, and to the point, and I have time to e-mail during the day 'cause I'm a work in front of a computer. So lay-off with the guilt-trips, because trust me, they don't work. The more you harass me for not having phone convo's with you, the weaker you make the possibility of me of calling you back, just so you know.

I know texting and e-mail is impersonal, and this whole diatribe sounds insensitive and selfish, but sometimes I need to be a little selfish just so I can keep from having a nervous breakdown by hopefully getting a few hours to myself a week. I spend my days at work answering the phone and fake laughing with people about their bullshit I could care less about; and when I'm playing music, I'm suposse to be the "entertainer" talking to a crowd, either through song or word, for at least 3 hours straight. And then as soon as I take a break at a show, I'm expected to converse with each person there. I'm exhausted, and crave some good ol' alone time, so please cut me a little slack.

Dear Mr. President

I hate politics, but felt this moment should be marked in time so when I come back and read this in 2034 I'll see this little cyber milestone.

President Elect Barack Obama Nov. 4th, 2008

Where was I? Having dinner at my apartment with Holly Kennedy and Stephanie Briggs, drinking this very cool sparkling shiraz I've become a fan of, and eating chicken, brocolli, and sweet potatos.

What's was going on in the world? We're at war in the Middle East, the stock market has gone to shit due to mortgage corruption, gas prices teeter between $2 - $3 per gallon, people are fighting about global warming, and we're trying (hopefully) to find alternative energy sources.



There. It's done.

It gets easier, but it doesn't get less weird

You'd think after being separated for almost 2 years, probably only saying about 30 words total to each other, knowing an encyclopedia's worth of bad shit about him, and being fully aware of his top ranking douche-bag status that it wouldn't affect me so hard to see him again...but that's not the case. Honestly, I'm not sure what exactly the emotion evoked in me is, but it bothers me that it's evoked to begin with. I don't know if it's hatred, longing, misunderstanding, masochistic emotional torture, confusion, nostalgia, disgust, jealousy, embarassment, or what; I'm sure it's a little bit of them all. I think it's because I still feel like I know the true him the best out of everyone. I'm sure that's not the case, but I'm pretty sure that's why he affects me so much. It embarasses me to even admit this...sshhhhhh, don't tell anyone ;)

It just doesn't make sense!

Love it!  -Claire

The Do's and Don't's as of 10/29/2008

DO NOT...buy chocolate Skittles; they are horrible, and you will throw-up.

DO...participate in festive gatherings; ie: pumpkin carving parties, holiday cookie decorating parties, carol singing, etc. It's good for the soul.

DO NOT...be quick in believing someone has "changed." This is not saying it's not possible, but the odds are they haven't changed. Be cautious.

DO...try a week of sobriety. It's not easy, but it's amazing how good you feel.

DO NOT...trust politicians. You're a fool if you do. Take what they say with a grain of salt; they're just salesmen trying to get your vote, and are NOT God.

DO...eat granola.

DO NOT...move in with someone untill you are engaged to be married to that person. This is one thing I am for sure about.

DO...something outside, like talking a walk, for at least 20 minutes every day.




That's it for now.

No matter what happens...

...I am determined to hate my job today. I'm pissed off at my job and everyone involved in it, and by God, and I'm going to bathe in this misery all day. Honestly, I don't think there's anything that could positively happen today to make me change my mind. It's just one of those days, I guess. Maybe I'll feel better after lunch after I eat the wonderful pumpkin bread I made last night. Yummmm, food, sweet stuff....mmmmmm. You know those people that get all skinny when stress enters their life? I wish I was that person. Me? I eat.

This weekend was nice. I'm telling you, I could get use to this not playing happy hour every week thing. These past couple of Fridays off have been awesome.

5lbs, booze, food, and jazz

I went to the doctor today only to confirm my suspicion about gaining 5lbs. Well, I did. I knew I did before it was ever even "confirmed." It's really not that big of a deal, but we always kinda hope to be pleasantly surprised when they force us to jump on the scale. Oh well, it could be worse, right? Of course. And I must say every glass of wine, piece of cake, Myron's ribeye, and hunk of chewy pugliese bread was wellllll worth every pound!

I've been in to jazz this week, with the help of my friend Jeff and the impressive dinner he made the other night. As of now, it's all about Madeline Peyroux, Billie Holiday, Melody Gardot, and getting my bike fixed. Bye, bye five; I'm sure I'll see you again shortly... *smiles*