Do you ever not like who you think you're bound by nature AND nurture to fundamentally be? Sometimes I don't. Sometimes, I wish I could be more 25 year old-like; more care-free about not having a job, health insurance, or think I can survive on the berries in my back yard. Maybe more tattoo wearing, lib-loving, OR red-neck, gay hatin', and bible beatin'??? Or, less "you silly young people" like. Or, more promiscuous, spontaneous, giggly, and slutty-clothes-wearing. I used to think I could reverse my innate grandma-esque qualities by submerging myself in a sub-culture of the exact opposite only to find out I'm really not that opposite. And sooooometimes, it's discovering I'm a little bit of both, but not extremely one, that gets me the MOST frustrated with who I am. Why can't I be so absolute when answering the "who I am" question like all these extremist are?! Sometimes, I envy them and their unwavering confidence in answering that question.
I think sometimes I can envy the one person I also hate the most. What's up with that?! All the people who drive me crazy because they are literally soooo naive and selfish, I envy because I'd just might have a little more "fun," and be more tolerant, in big crowds when I'm out trying to do the normal 25 year old thing. Maybe if I was a little LESS introspective, and little more dumb and numb, life would be a hell of a lot easier. Then, when I do fuck up, it doesn't hurt as bad 'cause I'd be too naive and selfish to even realize it WAS a fuck up. AHHHHHH! My brain hurts.
But, as soon as I lay it out like this, I wouldn't trade me for the world. It all becomes more clear and convincing. I'll be worrying about this again in another 28 days. The joys of being a woman.
3 comments:
I do love when a new post from you pops up in my blogger window. About your identity crises, congratulations, you're normal. And fabulous.
hahaha...I think I'm going insane at least every three days!
ditto. I thought I was the only one who thought like that. except i'm the naive, selfish, dumb and numb. But i'm also too introspective. Dammit! I'm also not a woman.:p I think you're a strong, talented, smart, beautiful and thoughtful young woman. If you could see the you that I see
When I see you seeing me
You'd see yourself so differently
Believe me. I almost got all philosophical on your ass. But I would've gone on and on for a while so maybe in person would be better?
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