I grew up in a traditional family atmosphere. Mom and Dad; no step-anything. PTA, sisterly quarrels, and church every Sunday. My childhood was great, and I wouldn't change a thing. Since becoming an adult, and creating my own life, some things have changed. Going to church is one of those. I was a theology minor in college, and loved every bit of it. It is the most fascinating study...also the most trying. I'm not going to say my theological studies are solely to blame for my departure from church as an independent adult, but it did have some part. Sometimes ignorance is bliss. More so, I think life in general has just been playing out how it's supposed to.
I haven't been an active member at church since graduating high school. Honestly, I'm just not sure how I feel about God, Jesus, and the Bible...or any God, for that matter. That's not to say I'm a non-believer, I'm just not so sure about any of it. Let's put it this way, I have not had a religious experience that has provided me with this unwavering faith so many speak of. I'm not going to lie; I haven't prayed to God in a long time. And when I do, I always pray that if He is there and listening that He understands my struggle with belief, and has patience with me during this journey of mine.
I could write pages, upon pages of my likes and gripes with modern religious practice, but I'm not even going to go there. Where I will go is to this undeniable need and want to return back to church. Why? I don't know. Basically, I want to believe in God, but my brain tells me it's just not always the smartest thing to do. So, do I go to church and fear God will know I'm on shaky ground with my faith and resent my presence there, or do I not go even though I want to go?
Many atheists will bring about the "man created God for comfort" theory when debating divine presence, and I have been thinking about this quite a bit, recently. If man DID create God for comfort, then what's so bad about that? Is this "false God for comfort" endangering my day to day life? If when I die and find out I'm not in Heaven, will I be pissed I spent a lifetime caring about others, donating my time to those in need, and placing a hope in my life that brought happiness and peace for the time being? I'm starting to look at this as a win/win situation. Whether there is, or is not a God, the idea of "church" can still be a good thing.
I adore the church I grew up in. The people, pastor, and ideologies all "fit" for me. I think I might work my way back in there. They, the church, it...brings me comfort. Whether false comfort, or true, I've got a lifetime to feel good about it.
11 comments:
If this were facebook, I'd click the like button :) I think it's cool that you can admit that your unsure of your religious beliefs. I think too many people put pressure on others to commit one way or another... let people find their own way...it's good to be able to say, "I'm not sure what it's all about and how it fits in my life, but I'm open to finding out more."
I love your blog. I know I've told you that already, but you almost inspire me to blog myself... I just have nothing of substance to offer the world... at the moment ;)
Thanks Amber! And you have loads to tell the world...everyone does!
This is such a well thought-out little essay. Kuddos.
Thanks, Steph :)
You and Sam need to talk, seriously. He is fighting the same battle regarding whether to believe or not. While he didn't minor in Theology, he did study Major World Religions in college. His situation is different in that his parents raised him Mormon and that's what has turned him completely away from religion. He has been going to "my" church since we've been married and is kind of in the same boat as you with, "it not hurting anything." God (the one that I believe in) does want you at church, no matter your "condition". Church is the place you should go when you are struggling and questioning. Remember, religious "experiences" are different for everyone and if you're not paying attention, you may not have even noticed you had one! I probably already said too much...seriously though, talk to Sam!!!
No Bobbie, you can never say too much! I'm always open to all discussions, as you know.
I loved your honesty/openness in this blog. I feel the same way about it being a "win/win". :) I hope you continue your search, and find community once again.
I'm glad you wrote this Claire. It's thoughtful and honest. I decided to major in Religious Studies and Theology to find out the "truth" and now I can say that I have found some sort of truth, but I don't think it is something I would have ever expected to find. I came out of studies as you did. Ironically, studying the Bible is what led me to reject the Judeo-Christian God. To be honest, I think you have the right kind of faith.
If someone, anyone, knows anything in absolute truth, then it is not faith. Not to belittle you and compare you to a child or anything, but a philosopher (and I can't remember his name right now) made an interesting distinction between children and adults. Small children, he said, are able to believe in the impossible, because they don't have the experience to tell them that something is impossible or improbable. His whole point was that everything we know is really only based on experience. Experience is limited though. This is where faith comes in. I think the first step is recognizing that you don't know and then you leave yourself wide open to tailor yourself to a religion/faith that you can resonate with. It doesn't have to be the judeo-xian god...maybe it's a god within you. maybe you like the aspect of community within a church. maybe you are like me and think that jesus is the greatest man who ever lived, but choose to follow buddhist principles instead of christianity the way it has come about in the past 2000 years. jesus is my personal buddha.
Also, i would say that maybe some invented God for comfort, but I don't really think that is how the idea of God evolved. Look at the Buddhists and the Hindus...they've got an idea of some greatness that operates the world, but it's a different concept of God. I learned 3 principles from a professor once: 1) God is something we can't know, see, touch, smell, hear.
2) God is something like what we can touch, smell, hear, feel and there are "road maps" (or religion) that can get you there...each map is unique for whichever destination you are seeking.
3)if you take your maps too literally see principle #1.
I think that maybe you just don't take your maps too literally and that is an excellent thing. We all journey together and have these questions together. I say keep at it and if you find a bit of truth then I am happy for you, and if you find absolutely nothing, then I am happy for you too (b/c I doubt it will change who you are and what you care about). Just dont' be lazy about it, like most people. Good luck!
p.s. i have found that if you look closely, you can learn about "god" by looking in the eyes of another
Marisol and Megan, I always enjoy y'all's input, and find solace in your words :-)
Hey Missy....
I hadn't commented on your blogworld for awhile but this little article's been at the forefront of my thoughts for a few days. I grew up Catholic in a totally disfunctional family. Right there says enough. I've learned not to become a fan of organized religion because I cannot feel they are so hyprocritial and that just makes me sad. So I, too, do not venture torwards the church - though I do try to instill in my children to make up their own minds and not let me, nor outside sources, influence them. For me, there is nothing more spiritual than a good, long, hard run! I feel more connected to a God in that hour than I ever would sitting in a pew listening to words that do not resonate within me. Run strong, Claire! Run strong!!!!
And may you have a very Merry Christmas - I hope it's the best one ever! It's been an honor getting to know you this year; you are a very true, genuine person and I'm blessed to have you in my world!
I am blessed to have you in my life, too, Jill!!! Next time I fly in to Denver to see my sister, we'll have to meet up for dinner :-)
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